Sex Life Snapshot: Connection

We lay in his bed, somewhere not quite on the edge of sleep. I was sprawled across his chest.
“Your touch feels amazing.” He breathed.
“Thank you.”
“I feel like a black hole. Like I’ll just take and take however much you give me. And I don’t have the energy to give back.”
“Well,” my voice was quiet, “By showing appreciation for my touch, you are giving back. The acknowledgment feeds me.”
“Ok.”
“You’re running low on emotional stores. Maybe you’re not a black hole, just an empty vessel.”
“It’s just…” He let out another breath. “I’m worried I’m going to drain you dry.”
That statement threw me. For one thing, I wasn’t feeling remotely drained. I had plenty of warm fuzziness to spare. Furthermore, the path I’m on right now is, at least in part, about taking ownership over my own well being. If I had started to feel drained, it would be up to me to turn off the spigot, so to speak.
“That’s not your job.” Was all I said in response.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
After a while, I shifted onto my side. His arm coiled around my waist.
“For the purposes of being blunt and honest,” He said into my neck, “I’m not going to make any moves on you tonight.”
“I kind of figured as such.”
He continued as if I hadn’t said anything. “It’s not that I’m not attracted to you or not horny or anything. I’m in a place where I’d just be taking, and that wouldn’t be fair.”
“That’s fine. Thanks for letting me know.” I drifted off to sleep.

Before long, the alarm on my phone began to chirp. Sunlight leaked through the edges of the curtains. I bemoaned the time, turned off the alarm, and burrowed back into his arms.

“You sleep ok?” I asked, curling my back into him like a lazy cat.
He tightened his grip around my waist. “I’ve been going back and forth about whether to jump you.”
“Ohh?” I asked “So, what’s the fear exactly?”
“Like I said,” He gave a weary sigh, “I don’t have the emotional energy to give right now. I’d just be taking.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean I’d be using you like property.”
I wondered if he noticed my body shift.
He heaved another sigh, this one tinged with frustration. “But I really want to.”
I think I said something about being responsible for my own headspace.
“Well,” I finally asked “where are you in the decision process?”
Silence.
“Sounds like there’s a whole lot of indecision going on.”
“Yeah.” He said, “Something like that.”
“Well, if you did use me as property,” I mused, waxing academic, “what would that look like?”
The response was far from academic. He rolled me on my stomach and pressed his weight into my back. His breathing grew heavy.
“Do you consent to being used as my property?” He rasped in my ear.
I nodded.
His hand reached up between my thighs. “Remember, this isn’t for you.” There was a cold edge to his voice. It sent shock through my spine. I nodded again, my senses slipping out from under me. He slid his hand away.
Before I could orient myself, he dragged me to the floor by my hair.
“Whatever I put in front of you, you are going to lick eagerly. Do you understand?”
Another nod. I was at the brink of falling into the cavernous depths of subspace. The effect was both inviting and terrifying. My thinking brain sputtered to catch up, to pull me back from that ragged edge.
I felt his hand on my neck, then my tongue on his skin. I muzzled my thinking brain and let myself go under.

Time passed. He lay back on the bed, still buzzing from what looked like a much needed release. My head was nestled against his thigh. His fingers drew lazy circles in my hair.
I broke the silence “On what planet was that you not giving emotional energy?”
He regarded me for a minute before answering. “Huh. I guess that was.”
“So, it’s not that you’re out of emotional energy… You’re more like a printer that’s out of black toner.”
He gave something that sounded like a laugh. “Well, the print is all yellow and weird.”
“Well, I didn’t say it was perfect. My point is, you can still print.”
He smiled. “Point taken.”

We talked for a while longer before it was time to enter back into reality.

**Edit**

I can empathize with that fear of taking, though it was incongruous with my headspace at the time. I think that state is something we all struggle with at some point or another. I know I have.

No one wants to be that black hole. There is so much stigma around being labeled angst ridden, needy, or an energy vampire. Now, there are some people who are in a perpetual state of need, who can be genuinely draining to those around them.

At the same time, who hasn’t been in those spaces? Moments of feeling drained and in need of replenishment do not an energy vamp make. There are points when we all need to be selfish so that we can muster enough energy to move forward.