Online Networking, Real Life Digits, and Boundaries

Recently, there’s been an influx of new people messaging me on Fetlife. Which is unfortunate, timing wise, because my bandwidth for new people is very low at present. A confluence of life changes will do that to ya. But that’s besides the point. There was one person who messaged me, however, who seemed pretty cool. We started chatting back and forth. To protect the innocent, I’ll call him Bob.

Bob wanted to meet me in person. There’s a local munch that I frequent, and I told Bob he could meet me there. I like having a first meeting at someplace like a munch. It’s a safety thing. If I meet this person and we hit it off, we can talk one on one in a public place. I can get to know him in a low pressure environment. If things go wrong or we don’t click, I’m surrounded by a number of people I know and trust. It works all around.

Bob asked me for my phone number. I told him that I tend to be wary about giving out my phone number to people I haven’t met in person. He can see me at the munch and we’ll go from there.

And then he kept pressing, saying that he understands and respects my desire for privacy. But… If I could give him a little credit and trust him. He would understand if there were only certain times of day I wanted him to call, he’d honor that, but really. It would be much easier to coordinate if he had my number.

Upon receiving this message, I noticed myself growing increasingly agitated.

I said I’d see him that evening. Turns out, I got the date of the munch wrong. It was the following week. I messaged him as soon as I realized and said I’d see him the following week. Apparently, he did not get this message until he was already at the place where the munch was supposed to be. Oops! I felt genuinely bad about that.

He wrote back saying this is why he wanted my phone number, but if I didn’t want to give it to him, that was ok.

I never responded back. Perhaps that was bitchy of me. I just… couldn’t engage him on that topic anymore. Some part of me wanted to throw something against a wall.

I was surprised at just how strong my reaction was to his request for my number. I can’t remember the last time I was so peeved by a Fetlife correspondence. The more he asked, the more annoyed I got, and the less I wanted to give him my number.
It wasn’t the request for my number that bothered me. Not really anyway. What bothered me was the reaction to my no. I said no. I stated a limit, and this person kept pushing. And, while in the grand scheme of things, Bob’s persistence was not exactly a grave offense, I couldn’t help but wonder. If this person won’t respect my desire not to divulge my number, what will his reaction be to other, far more important boundaries?

Am I overly sensitive, paranoid, or cynical? I don’t know.

I realize that I do similar versions of this test a lot. Oftentimes, I’ll do it subconsciously. I will set a limit with someone to see what the response is. If he respects the limit without issue or question, it makes me more comfortable and my boundaries with that person become more elastic. The more resistance I get, the more walls I put up.

Perhaps that could be read as a manipulative move on my part. I guess, technically it is. At the same time, this pattern of mine is a direct reaction to some horrendously manipulative behaviors I’ve experienced in the past.

There is the very definite possibility that Bob’s intentions were pure, relatively speaking, of course. It could very well be that Bob is a nice and respectful individual who just wanted to simplify the process of coordinating a meeting with me. He may very well be angry at me or think I’m completely nuts. I chose, for better or worse, not to find out.

At the end of the day, honoring my limits and my sense of safety takes precedence over worrying about the feelings of people I barely know.

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