Us verses them?

A few weeks ago, I sat in on a Jay Wiseman class at TES.

He opened the class by saying something to the effect of:

I am a kinskster. I like to tie women up. And that’s ok. The vanilla world, they need to be tolerant of us. After all, haven’t we spent enough time being tolerant of them?

Those last two sentences bothered the hell out of me.

Now, I mean no offense to Jay Wiseman, nor do I want to belittle his accomplishments as an author and community member. And I agree that it’s important to be comfortable in one’s own skin. But the implicit “us verses them” mentality wrapped up in those two little sentences is one of the major issues I have with many people in the scene.

First of all, by taking this stance, a person automatically goes on the defensive. He’s expecting confrontation and controversy… it leaves barely any room for the possibility that people may be accepting of that stance.

I can’t help but be reminded of one of my favorite Little Britain characters, Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village. He goes around declaring his otherness and creating his own persecution, even though it seems that the rest of the village is bi-curious at the very least.

As I wrote in a previous post, it’s natural to want to feel different or special. I know that I’ve been guilty of using kink as a way to establish my otherness, to create a separation between me and the “vanilla” world.

Then I realized… You can’t always tell what people do in their bedrooms.
Not everyone advertises their sexuality. Hell, when I was in college, I did things that could be defined as kinky, but it never occurred to me to attach any label or identity to them. Quite frankly, there are times and places where I’m perfectly happy with kink being off the list of appropriate conversation topics. (Around the watercooler at most jobs, family reunions, funerals, children’s parties…) BDSM, when you get down to it, is about sex… And what I do in my bedroom is my own damn business. I realize the irony of this statement coming from a sex blogger. I guess a more appropriate statement in my case is: if you have issues with what I do in my bedroom, don’t have sex with me.

To be honest, I’m a little torn on the debate about bringing kink into the public square. On the one hand, I hope that there will come a time when a person’s sexual proclivities cannot be used as a strike against them in a court of law. Also, people who are kinky should have access to reliable information so that they can practice it as safely as possible. On the other hand, engendering the idea that the rest of the world must tolerate us feels downright counterproductive. It borders dangerously on forcing one’s kink onto others.

I’m well aware that there are plenty of people in the world who are not accepting of things that they don’t understand. I’m also aware of the prejudices and preconceptions that people have when they hear “kinky” or “BDSM.” It has frightening connotations to many. I do hope that organizations such as TES and new initiatives such as Kinkforall can help dispel some of that misinformation.

Kink isn’t for everyone. It’s not without physical and emotional risk, even though there are ways of mitigating those risks. A lot of what we do is hard for people to accept. Upon reading my blog, someone once asked me What compels you to want pain? I know this may sound stupid, but my lord isn’t it painful?

People have visceral reactions to the thought of inflicting or receiving pain. It’s completely understandable why someone would squick at the thought.

I usually wait for people to get to know me as a person before I get into any conversation about BDSM. It is, after all, only one aspect of my life, not my entire being. This way, I change peoples minds through example and not through proselytizing. I find this to be a far more elegant, subtle, and effective approach.

If we’re going to gain any ground in the arenas where it matters, I think that we need to think hard about how we perceive and engage people outside of the kink community.

Sex life snapshot: obligatory pajamas

It was too late to go home, or so I told myself. We stood facing each other in his living room, completely clothed. A short, awkward silence passed between us.

We had just spent a good hour and a half on his couch, clawing at each other while pretending to watch a movie.

“Do you want something to sleep in?” he asked me “I’ve got a shirt and shorts. I promise they’re clean.”

I accepted. He ducked into his room to let me change. It struck me as an odd shift, considering how little of the movie we’d seen. He emerged some time later in his own pjs, and seemed unsure of what should happen next.

“So, umm..” I broke the silence “where would you feel most comfortable with me sleeping?”

Part of me was amused at this little dance, where neither of us betrayed any expectation of getting what we both seemed to want.

“Well,” he stammered “I was hoping that you’d stay in my bed… But if it makes you more comfortable, I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

In that moment, these token gestures of modesty felt almost comical. Let’s pretend for a moment that the two of us will share a bed and actually sleep. That these oversized clothes, such thin layers of cloth, will stay on our bodies.

“No no, we can share your bed. That’s fine.”

When we woke up the next morning, we were tangled together and smelled of each others’ scents.

The pajamas he had so kindly lent me lay strewn on his bedroom floor.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Bottom to Top

You know, I remember thinking to myself, as I stood handcuffed to a hanging wooden plank, counting the strikes of a flogger on my back This just isn’t working for me right now…

I was doing a scene with Evan at a playparty, and I could not get into any sort of headspace. On some level, my lack of interest bothered me. Why wasn’t I enjoying this… After some moment of reflection, I came to a startling realization. I really want to hit someone right now.

I craned my head to face Evan. He stopped what he was doing to my back and came closer.

“You ok, hon?” He asked.

“I think I want to hit people.” I said matter-of-factly

He laughed. “Ok, let me get a few more good strikes in, and then we’ll find you someone to hit.”

That seemed like a fair enough compromise. He took out the devil’s tail, which is a particularly evil and stingy toy (There’s bone on the end. Why did I ever point him to that damn site? I really do contribute to my own downfall), and left some mighty impressive welts on my behind. It’s a few weeks later, and I still have marks to show for it.

Evan lent me some of his canes and a flogger or two, and let me loose.

Enter M. stage left. A very sweet puppy. I talked to him for a little bit, showed him my newly begotten welts. He winced at the very thought of them. When I found out that he was submissive, I flashed him the biggest smile I could and politely asked if I could hit him. My clever ploy worked perfectly.

Within minutes, I had him lying face down and pantless and on one of the couches.

Ok, now what? I thought to myself.

I figured I’d punch his back a bit to buy me some time. One of the many upsides to playing with the sadistic fucks I do, is that I’ve picked up enough of their affects to fake confidence really well.

The space we had wasn’t really conducive to flogging, so that left the arsenal of canes. I drew one out, and started tapping him lightly.

The first time I’d ever topped someone was a few years ago. I was in a room with two of my toppy friends. After that scene, one of them had commented, “You know, Sascha, when you started flogging him, you were hitting him like a girl. It was perhaps the… daintyest flogging I’d ever seen. But then you started getting into it, and boy, you were really wailing on him by the end there.”

The same could be said for this scene. You see, I’m not a sadist when I top. I’m a reaction junkie. The second I get feedback from my playpartner, my lizard brain dances for joy. And the boy I was caning was highly reactive. And the harder I hit, the more he reacted.

“This is cruelty to animals!” He pleaded. “You’re not supposed to hurt puppies, you’re supposed to pet them and give them treats.”
He yelped as I struck his ass.
“I should report you to the ASPCA!”
I dissolved into almost maniacal laughter. M. looked up at me with this adorable, frightened look.

“You know exactly how this feels, don’t you?” He whimpered.
“Yup.” I confirmed, grinning ear to ear.
“You have no sympathy for me, do you?”
“Nope.”
“I’m in a lot of trouble, aren’t I?”
“Yup.”

His eyes grew wide like saucers. I think his lower lip may have started to quiver.

“Now, you see,” I informed him “That look just makes me want to hurt you more.”

You could see his brain snap in five places. His eyes grew wider, so I hit him some more.

There was aftercare after the scene… And some punching… And biting… Did I mention I’m a reaction junkie? He made it clear that he’d really enjoyed himself too. Apparently I was able to push him to just the right places. Because he saw how much I was enjoying it, he took a lot more pain than he thought he could. This made me incredibly happy.

He also sent me a lovely email some time later, informing me that I’d left a giant bruise on his butt. Whenever he sat down, he’d wince and also blush in my direction.

I can’t help but bounce with joy when I think about this whole encounter.

How did I not realize earlier that topping is this much fun? I totally get now why people like beating the crap out of me!

Kink For All Presentation

Thanks to a gentle reminder of the ever fabulous Maymay, I’m finally getting off my ass and posting the I discussion I led at Kink For All NYC.

Listen to it here.

This discussion, like I said, was a way for me to gather information and ideas for a class I’m putting together.

I’m really proud of how the discussion went considering I went into it without much preparation.

It was about feeling comfortable saying no in the context of a scene. Knowing you have a safe word is one thing. Actually stating a limit can be a whole other ball game.

I got some great material out of the discussion. I was very lucky to have some thoughtful, intelligent, and articulate people in the crowd.

There were a number of people who discussed the importance of “yellow.” Being able to state an upcoming limit in order to keep the scene going. Also some people stated that people felt that their partners have an obligation to express those limits, which is very comforting to hear.

I was glad that the comments are audible and comprehensible in the recording.

I’m interested to hear people’s thoughts (yes, you dear readers) on the issue of saying no, feeling comfortable saying no, and creating a space where no can be said, understood, and heard.

Also, I’d like to know your thoughts (both positive and constructive) on the discussion in general. I’m still learning and still pretty green as an educator, so I need all the feedback I can get.