Filth and Feminism
I made the mistake of reading a bunch of radical feminist blogs instead of spending time doing all the useful things I should have been doing today. Remind me not to do that again. Now not only am I behind on my to do list, I’m also really annoyed by stupid people on the internet. I have a knee jerk aversion to extreme points of view. They tend to paint things with too wide a brush, and I’m the type of person who likes to examine nuances and grey areas. My thoughts on feminism spread out in a hundred different directions.
Am I a feminist? I don’t know. I’ve grown increasingly hazy on what that word means. Is it pro women? Anti objectification? It’s one of those words that’s so loaded that it’s strayed far away from a simple definition.
I’m all about movements that give women access to options; the option to work in any field, the choice to redefine the power dynamics in relationships and find a balance that works as opposed a predefined paradigm. I think that people should be judged more on abilities and merit than on their gender in the workplace and society at large. I also recognize that there are still major inequalities between men and women and unconscionable violence towards women around the world, and that needs to be fought and dealt with. This is why we have foundations like RAINN (blatant plug) and V-Day initiatives. Eve Ensler is one of my personal heroes.
As a woman who is kinky and primarily a bottom/submissive, I simply can’t align myself with the Andrea Dworkin school of anti objectification and anti pornography. My sexuality is an anathema according to that school of thought. Besides, to quote Tom Lehrer, dirty books are fun! I’m not going to bother trying to counter the points made by the hardline radical feminists of the blogoshpere. There are plenty of other people banging their heads against that brick wall. Plus it’s 2 AM as I’m typing this and I don’t have that kind of patience at this hour. All I can say is that I find their messages counterproductive. I find that those iterations of feminism remove and demean more choices than anything else, and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Here’s what I want to wrap my brain around. Assuming we reject the notion that all sex, sex work and pornography are degrading towards women, where do the lines get drawn between acceptable sexual expression and genuine exploitation? Clearly, there is a way of objectifying without actually dehumanizing someone. Where is objectification hot and when is it genuinely degrading?
I play in a world where power dynamics are accepted, displayed, and acted out. It’s an arena where the taboo is greeted and celebrated. It’s a world I feel comfortable in, often empowered. I don’t believe that my preference towards bottoming and submission conflicts at all with my general stance of gender equality. I want my partners to objectify me in the moment; to see me as sexual, as beautiful, as primal. I love playing with those power dynamics and feeling so comfortable with someone that I can relinquish control. When the moment passes, however, I have every expectation of being treated as a fellow human being. Objectification is all good and fine, so long as it isn’t 24/7.
I imagine that when you enter the realms of sex on film and sex for money, the formula gets more complex. Since I have no experience with that world, I don’t know how that works. How do those boundaries work? How do you define what’s exploitative and what isn’t?
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I’d never presume to be able to know where the line is drawn. I know many women who love porn and love rough play but don’t see it as degrading to women. Maybe it’s the kind of porn their watching.
This is a question I think about a lot, and have ever since I first got into topping. Some of my first memories are the feminist rallies my mom took me to as a kid, and when I first connected to the kink world, my biggest concern was that I would become the kind of abusive, exploitive asshole I’d spent so much of my time working against.
I spent a long time trying to find the line, the exact definition of when it stops being hot and when it starts being exploitive in a bad way. What I came to is that there is no simple line in terms of actions or activities. I can’t say this act is hot, this one is over the line. Instead, I think what matters is the intentionality at work on both sides. When the submissive is in a place of strength and wants, out of strength to explore submission or something dark and twisted and scary but to do so out of that place of strength- that’s deliciously hot. When someone is dealing with real self-worth issues, feels like they don’t have much worth beyond as an object and lets themselves be treated as such- that’s when, for me at least, it crosses the line.
And in the same way, when a dom respects her or his lover, and in that respect wants to help them live out one of their fantasies, including ones of objectification and humiliation- that’s wonderful. The dom who, as you say, stops seeing their lover as just as fully human and important and valuable as they are, but starts to see them always as an object, to let their submission color the value they have in the dom’s eyes- that’s when a real line has been crossed.
Re-reading this- I’m aware I’m speaking in broad broad generalities, and it may sound like I’ve just wound up drawing lines. I’m not trying to, I’m just using that as examples. My point is just that, in my mind at least, the line isn’t about the act, or even some easily drawn or defined emotional line. It’s about what drives the people playing, what makes them want to play. That in the end I think is how you define what’s exploitive.
I’ve seen situations where the most simple basic act of sexuality or kink was exploitive and unhealthy. And I’ve seen twisted, humiliating, extreme edge play scenes that were empowering and healing and sacred for all involved.
Thanks for the post, its good things to be thinking about. Sorry for going so far onto my own tangent!